The Hidden-side of Ministry and Life

There is something in ministry that some are beginning to talk about, but yet is still rarely spoken, and that is depression. I’m not just talking about any depression, I’m talking about the depression that invades the heart, soul, mind and body of those who help the depressed – the minister… I know all to well the havoc that depression can play on ministers, because I am a minister who struggles with depression.

I must state this here up from in this post that I am not a psychiatrist professional counselor, or clinical psychologist; I’ve had a total of three counseling classes in Bible College and 17 years of practice counseling youth, parents, and peers. What I do have that qualifies me to write about this is that I am depressed and in ministry.

The hidden-side of ministry and life is a lonely place to be. Although it shouldn’t be this way. Most of us who struggle with depression know all the right answers both from a biblical and humanistic standpoint. We’ve counseled many people through darkness and depression, but find it hard to put into practice for ourselves the tools, wisdom, and advice that we recommend to those we counsel – at least I do anyway.

I know this isn’t something I should be writing about openly, especially when it’s about me…I am a person who struggles with depression… I was one of those people who said it could never happen to me, but what I’m finding out is that it has happened to me several times, but I didn’t know that I was suffering from it. I can be what you call a high functioning depressed person. Most people who know me well, and there are very few who do (Some people think they know me, like coworkers, friends, and family), would say that I’m usually an upbeat person and pretty positive most times, except when it is the first thing in the morning. There are times that I struggle with worthlessness and a dim future because hope escapes me…

When I realized that my struggles were related to depression, I hid it from everyone, my wife, my kids, my supervisor, coworkers, students, and just about everyone else around me. I felt that I was not suppose to struggle with this! As a Christian and a pastor, I should be free from this burden. The Holy Spirit lives in me and should prevent this from happening; I am a member of the clergy and should be immune, because I serve God (A blog post about my thoughts on clergy will come someday).

I know these rationales weren’t true, I became embarrassed. Then it hit me I should know better, none are immune to sin, brokenness, Satan, burnout, and the things that this fallen world can bring about on a person! Wayne Cordeiro in his book Leading on Empty says, “Depression is no respecter of persons. The silent “terrorist” attacks those outside the church as well as those within.” In scripture there are many examples of God’s people who suffer from depression, Isaiah, Jeremiah, David, Job, Jesus, and others… None of them were rendered useless by God, but were used to further His kingdom, His plan of salvation, and to His glory.

When I was able to get away and find a safe place and a safe person to confide in, I was able to breakthrough the embarrassment and confess that I’m depressed, exhausted, and done… For me it was at a Christ In Youth retreat for youth ministers called “Wilderness” and with the help from my mentor for that week named Mike (Mike is a 40+ year veteran of youth ministry). I’ve learned to identify some of the symptoms that tend to happen to me when I’m fighting a bout of depression such as difficulty concentrating, decision making comes hard, irritability, feeling alone, and others (Wayne Cordeiro in his book “Leading on Empty” has a whole list of symptoms). I am also learning to be more open about it, talk with my wife, pray more earnestly during this time, and trust that there is always hope even in the dark times…

Some people will want to discount my depression, and say that its not real, because Christians don’t get depressed. Others will say since I struggle with it, I’m not fit to do ministry, and still some will tell me they understand, but treat me like a leper… To them I say “I don’t care what you think!” But to those who love me, encourage me, and surround me I say thank you! To those who are hurting – Romans 15:13…